The following is an email exchange I had with a subscriber. It covers some practical recommendations for working with repressed anger when undergoing an awakening and illuminates some common misconceptions spiritual people can have relating to anger.
Enjoy!
The Email:
Hi Sam,
...I am a school teacher...
After about 20 to 25 minutes of the meditation session I am able to focus on the breath, then anger and irritation arises if I lose focus.
Instead of bringing peace, meditation is bringing anger out in me.
When I started my meditation journey I used to feel peace, but as I am moving forward in my journey I am getting angry and frustrated most of the time.
In my teenage years, I had anger problems and I was not able to handle my anger well - and now the same problem is arising again in my life.
I feel angry most of the time.
How am I doing? And what to do now?
Please advise - I will be very grateful to you.
My Response
Yes!! This is an awesome sign of progress!
There's a common conception that meditation brings peace - which it does, but it doesn't look like it's advertised. Not one bit.
The anger you felt as a teenager that was perceived as bad (most likely) is resurfacing and coming through the cracks of your adult identity.
Being around children will challenge your identity there even more - as you will probably have beliefs about not wanting to show anger (which is totally innocent) to children - as that's something you started to deny in yourself in teen years based off what you said.
The anger has always been there, although you can't avoid it now.
This is GOOD (although I know it doesn't feel good at the moment). Meditation is showing you exactly what you've been avoiding.
The anger NEEDS love.
I'll make some further practical recommendations.
First, anger doesn't need to be projected onto anyone to cause unnecessary suffering. Try the following in a safe space by yourself such as in your room, or in the bathroom at work.
Let yourself feel the anger, full on. When your mind comes online with a narrative such as 'I shouldn't feel anger' or 'I'm a bad adult' or 'I'm a bad teacher for feeling anger' - acknowledge it for what it is, and breathe into them with love.
Surrounding emotions such as shame or frustration may also arise at the same time if you do this - such as 'Ugh, this never f*cking works for me' or 'I shouldn't show this to anyone, ever' - whatever it is. Let them be there too.
Breathe into them.
It may feel like a soup of emotion - acknowledge ALL of it, but maybe bring your attention back to the anger when you feel ready to.
Take your time with this, don't rush it. If you need to take a bathroom break at work to do this, allow yourself to do it.
If you need to tell your loved ones to give you space for 20 minutes to feel something out, allow yourself to do it.
Let your anger be the only thing in the universe. Like you're a mature mother who's holding their child with a total understanding of their presence with unconditional acceptance.
Again, narratives will pop in and out and say things like 'This is ridiculous that I feel this much anger after meditation' or 'I'm a grown woman, I shouldn't feel like this' or 'I'm a bad person' - just keep acknowledging them and bringing attention into the anger with that love.
All of those stories, btw, are the identities that've been unconsciously accrued to suppress that feeling of anger - they'll feel VERY real, and as if they are you - but they're just protecting you and are simply narratives coupled with strong emotions.
Let the anger speak. Without a filter. Give it a voice, what does this anger want to say? Don't hold back. Scream into a pillow. Tense your whole body with rage. Punch a pillow. Strangle the pillow if you need to.
Again, Shame, guilt or doubt might be humming around in the background as you do this if you've chronically repressed anger, so let them be there. But keep coming back to the anger, let it out.
If you don't like being overly physical, you could also try journalling. Speak from the anger. It might appear to say horrible things, but who cares - no one will see it but you.
It could sound petty - such as 'I hate it how that little monster of a child said this today, how could they be so stupid, how could they be such a horrible little worm' - it's critical to not deny that view of anger at all.
When you give yourself to be angry, finally, full on - and lovingly in a safe space - amazing things happen. The emotion is released, honoured and seen for what it is.
You might find that there is sadness under that anger too.
Often, I've done these sorts of processes and burst into tears after when I realized I never let myself feel anger with acceptance.
Other times, it's been immensely potent to honour that I had a boundary crossed, and I'm finally giving myself the space to be with the part of me that was triggered by that event.
So if that happens for you, let all of the emotion come forth. Just as it is.
Total allowance.
This isn't a one-time, all-of-it-'s-gone sort of deal. You're going to have to learn with time that anger is okay.
It might keep coming back, and even if it does - that's 100% okay! It's just another wave in the ocean of experience - although we have to learn to allow it again and again and again and to see all of the resistance surrounding it that's accrued in our lifetime to really let this in.
Anger isn't bad. Only when we continue to repress it does it have harmful consequences. Best to let it out and reintegrate it into our experience in my opinion.
Hope this helps.
