https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knpGubnJI7I
My story is unfortunately one that is becoming increasingly common. One of struggling with anxiety for many years of my life stemming in high-school. I’m 24 now, but difficulties began at age 13.
At University this manifested as social anxiety, a feeling of constant worry at home and workplace anxiety/imposter syndrome as a Cardiac Technician.
As a form of relief I often applied a band-aid to the wound of playing Video games upward to 10 hours per day and actively suppressed it as much as I could.
PUBG, Diablo 2 or Age of Empires 2, anyone?
Anyway, seeing a therapist was inevitable at this rate..
What strategies was I given?
Well.. My Therapist used CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) techniques and gave me some strategies to deal with these difficulties primarily in the workplace. This took the form of re-framing difficulties when they arose.
An example might have been to focusing on patient outcome to disconnect myself old thought tapes.
Or, remind myself with verbal prompts that: ‘I’m okay. I’m okay’.
These are tested techniques.So why was this a bad experience?
Because it wasn’t timely advice.
In retrospect - what I needed at that time in my life was something entirely different than what I actually was recommended.
As a result, I found this advice put my into my head even more when what I needed was to enter my heart.
Here’s what I wish my therapist told me at that time.
1. Head to Heart.
In my opinion I think these techniques can get very 'heady'. When I first began with therapy I found I rationalized and problem solved A LOT.
Through meditation retreats and mens work I've found a better place to operate from is the Heart.
Why? Because it grounds you. It brings you down to earth. Operating from the head all of the time in my experience feels like mental constipation for lack of a better phrase.
I wish my therapist told me to take 1-3 deep Breaths to become more in tune with the body rather than using heady CBT techniques.
2. Find Stillness/Discover my true nature.
Meditation put the lens on the hardware that was running in the mind. I discovered my likes and dislikes. My desires and hates. What Motivated me. What Discouraged me. Whom I liked and disliked spending time with. My temperament.
There's no hiding from thoughts in prolonged 1hr meditation sits.
What I've come to realize is that I was being given strategies that were coping mechanisms for aspects of my life that didn't match my temperament. Temperament being your innate personality distribution according to the big 5 psychology personality model as seen below.
Each person has a unique combination on a spectrum of differing personality tropes. When you use coping strategies for an aspect of your life that you’re not in congruence with temperament wise, you’re trying to heal a lost cause in a way.
I wish my therapist encouraged solitude and stillness to find out what my temperament was truly like at the deepest level so that I could...
3. Nurture my Strengths
In addition to the previous, I wish my therapist told me to hone in on these strengths. To amplify them and to love myself for them.
Not to use coping strategies in facets of my life that aren't in congruence with my temperament.
Not to idolize and pursue someone else's notion of success,
but what it means for ME. To nurture what’s true for ME.
For me, that’s solitude. Introversion. Asking deep questions. Focusing on mental health rather than cardiac health care. Spending time in nature. Creating content for the benefit of others. ect.
4. Find a Community.
My therapist never encouraged finding community. Rather, our sessions were limited to 1:1.
One week I would have this difficulty. Now I have this difficulty. Now this one.
It felt like groundhog day when working with him.
Community offers a sense of shared suffering - that you're not in this alone.
Parahphrasing David Goggins: Everyone's F*cked up but some people are just better at hiding it.
This became extremely clear to me when I completed a Young Mens Rite of Passage recently.
You very quickly discover that there's at least one thing going wrong in their life at any given time. Whether that's debilitating anxiety, boiling anger, sadness or a mild frustration at ones partner.
I realized I am not alone. There are communities of people who will listen to you and SEE you in a communal essence. I discovered I’m not so F*cked up after all.
And that's it! I hope this helped you in some way.
Here’s the video again in case you changed you mind. I go into more depth.
