About Me
Forward
As time is dropped and life comes forth as only THIS, recalling my story feels to be somewhat conceited.
With that said, as humans, we naturally relate to story - even when we’re learning to drop our own.
We draw lessons from it and find relatability with those who have walked similar paths to us.
In that sense, I have chosen to tell you my story in detail (as it relates to Emotional integration/awakening), as my own experience has shown me that reading the stories of facilitators I’ve practiced under can be incredibly valuable... leaving one with a feeling of ‘I’m not alone’.
I’ll try to keep it brief with only the most relevant points - although, keep in mind this is the longer version for the aforementioned reasons.
I hope my story connects with you in some way - and carries with it a sense that you are not alone, you are not broken, and there is light in the apparent darkness.
Truly.
Grab a coffee, a tea, or a snack - and most importantly, put your Kundalini jacket on. This should take about 5-10 minutes to read.
Early Childhood
I remember being a young vibrant child raised in an normal household setting.
I lived on a beautiful property, went to a great school, and was very popular amidst my peers in my early schooling years.
I was obsessed with insects and nature, and have vivid memories of playing in the gardens of my first house in the hinterlands of Australia. I also remember having a blast playing video games (halo, Runescape and many others), loving camping with my parents and 2 brothers and being enthralled with artistic projects.
From ages 0-10, I was carefree, unbound and unburdened by much of the conditioning that was to come.
Despite my parents separating (leaving me to be primarily raised by a single mother), I was a happy young boy.
So, how did an unbound child with a seemingly healthy upbringing become burdened with suicidal pressure cooker angst later down the line that eventually culminated in being the best thing that’s ever happened to him? Let's find out.
Schooling
When I reached the last year of primary schooling, I changed schools.
Here, the carefree, playful and loving attitude that otherwise populated my early youthful expression began to knot and kink.
I had no context for what was happening, but as I tried to connect with a new group of friends - a sadness and angst emerged which enveloped my being slowly - like a snake gently constricting its prey.
At first I didn’t notice it overtly. I think my mind at this stage was busy scrambling to form new identities to protect itself from the pain of trying to fit in, yet still wrestled with an underlying sense of ‘not-okayness’.
“What is happening to me?! Nevermind, don’t look there - just try this new way of operating to fit in! These were the programs likely operating within my mind on a cyclical basis.
Transitioning into highschool at ages 12 & 13, pubertal social awareness kicked in. Feeling even more alien with the surmounting social pressure to fit into peer groups, suffering really began to really take root.
Still not having the words for what was happening while simultaneously having a mounting sense of ‘I am not okay’, I continued to build new layers of identity on top of the underlying anxiety that seemed to be getting worse and worse with time.
If someone asked me ‘how are you doing’ - I’d quickly default to ‘I’m good!’ - and yet, if I was being honest, I was far from good.
Don’t get me wrong, some days I actually probably felt okay, but the grip of mind identification and suffering seemed to tighten year by year.
At this stage, I also developed a video game addiction. Some days, I remember coming home from school and immediately jumping on the computer and playing until I fell asleep. On weekends, I would play up to 12 hours per day. I had also taken on a bodybuilding practice which became integral to my routine, rewarding me with an aesthetically appearing physique and the social validation to come with it.
I now know these strategies were in place to avoid feeling the ‘not-okayness’ of experience that was humming in the background.
In addition to these strategies, I also became adept at going into my mind to construct ways of being in order to receive validation from others. The tradeoff, of course, was to stuff down my authentic emotional experience into the body, forming neat little knots in the throat, heart and gut.
And yet, these tactics proved highly effective in establishing a stable state of dissociation that rewarded me with social success.
I managed to convince enough people in school that I had it together through these means - to the point I became a school captain in my last year of schooling!
However, underneath all of it I remember feeling extremely fraudulent.
The harder I tried to maintain an identity of having-it-togetherness, the more the unauthentic and contracted I became.
Early Adulthood
Leaving school and transitioning into University to study Biomedical Science, suffering was at an all time high. I was riddled with self diagnosed social and generalised anxiety - to the point where going about daily life was becoming very challenging - even for simple tasks such as shopping for groceries.
Working as a Cardiac Technician beyond University, I was often confronted with this constriction, making it very challenging to operate with any sense of grounded-ness.
The question of ‘what the hell is wrong with me’ was searing in the back of my mind, although the drumming sound of it was growing louder… and louder… day after day.
I was still functional - I still appeared as being okay on the surface - but underneath it felt like a pressure cooker.
But let’s backtrack just a little.
Psycho-Spiritual Sam
One day, after a long day of University - I turned to video games to find relief from anxiety.
I was playing a game called DayZ, and after 20 hours of playing on a character, it glitched through a wall and fell to its death.
All of my progress, lost.
Just like that.
And due to a glitch in the game that I just sunk a huge amount of time into.
In the face of this impermanence - I remember staring at my screen for a long, dramatic pause like you’d see in the movies and thinking to myself ‘what in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?’
That totally ordinary Wednesday night in ~late 2016, the vivid thought occurred to me: enough of this... and I removed my gaming PC from my house.
This was very uncharacteristic of me at the time, which I'm sure is a revelation many face when enough is enough with addiction.
While it might seem trivial, getting rid of that dopamine dispensor that I had become so heavily reliant on to fill the existential void of 'not-okayness' all of a sudden opened up 10 more hours per day for me to study, read, meditate and work on relative goals. (what is YOUR addiction? For me, it was gaming).
It was the culminating event that ignited my psycho-spiritual journey.
Initially, I began studying the likes of Tim Ferriss and Sam Harris. At this time, I also resonated with other pro-masculinity figures such as Jordan Peterson, David Goggins, Jocko Willinck and Joe Rogan.
I especially resonated with Sam Harris's pragmatic, secular approach to self improvement and spirituality above all though, which sparked a meditation practice of 5 minutes per day using apps like ‘Headspace’ and eventually ‘Waking Up’.
The angst I was feeling fueled the drive to continue meditating, where I was able to find some small islands of solace amidst the ocean of angst. This sparked 20 minute meditation sittings, sometimes even taking the plunge to go for an hour.
Intellectually consuming content with sprinkles of experiential practice wasn’t going to do what I wanted though, as at this point my suffering still boomed in the background. I woke up with anxiety and feel asleep with anxiety. My palms sweat, my mind raced constantly and I had no idea what to do about it.
I also felt incredibly alone at this time, as I began recognizing that many of my friends were acquired through a shaky persona that had worked for me in the past - but was beginning to reveal its very real and deep cracks.
I knew I had to take action, although I was terrified to.
Yet thankfully, Jordan Peterson’s words echoed in the back of my mind.. “Go into the unknown!!”
And so somehow, I did.
While I could go on an on about all of the self improvement and spiritual shenanigans that took place from here, I’ll include an overview/timeline.
Began attending Men’s circles
The ManKind Project Rites of Passage (3 day intensive psycho-spiritual bootcamp)
First Vipassana 10 Day Meditation Retreat
Second 10 Day Vipassana Meditation Retreat
Third 10 Day Vipassana Meditation Retreat
Michael Taft Vast Sky Mind course
5 Day Hardcore Young Man’s Rites of Passage
Simply Always Awake Retreat 1
Simply Always Awake Retreat 2
Simply Always Awake Retreat 3
Embarked on a 6-month, solo world travelling experience
Simply Always Awake In-Person Retreat in Kentucky
Throughout these years, I maintained an unwavering consistent Vipassana meditation practice of 2 hours daily. I went to therapy intermittently (but not consistently - I could never find a therapist that really resonated with me) and consistently worked with facilitators in 1:1 mentorship that served as guides to awakening on a weekly basis.
I regularly read self improvement books and found some relief, but eventually I gravitated more toward awakening oriented practices.
It's as if some part of me intuitively knew that true freedom wasn’t found in accruing new beliefs, concepts and identities - and this intuition grew stronger and stronger the more longer fundamental questions of 'Who Am I' remained unanswered.
To me, self improvement felt like rearranging deck chairs on the titanic, and I knew it at a deep level.
In this respect, I started reading pragmatic spiritual books and applying what was being discussed as hard as I could in daily life: Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha" by Daniel M Ingram, "The Mind Illuminated" by Culadasa, and "Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening" by Joseph Goldstein were all great books that I took to.
I also listened to all 100+ episodes of Joseph Goldstein’s Insight hour podcast on Spotify, all the while trying obsessively to apply these teachings into daily life.
Funny, I thought the more I understood - the more freedom I would experience.
Quite the contrary.
I learned that the more I consume, the more that my mind would doubt.
Should I do this practice, or that practice? Should I do what Culadasa said with my breath, or should I do what Daniel Ingram said with observing the impermanence of sensation? Should I pursue therapy, or meditate my way to freedom?
Doubt, shame, and blame became persistent companions. At my lowest points, I even contemplated suicide as a means to escape the overwhelming burden of consciousness.
Discovering The Body
I later realized that a lot of the suffering on my path was coming from a dysphoric experience of bodily contraction.
The many many hours of daily meditation that I was doing had the byproduct of surfacing bucket-loads of unprocessed traumatic material that manifested itself in the body as frozen emotions - a tight gut, tight jaw and tight heart with an ongoing unregulated nervous system that was easily triggered into fight or flight.
You know how people talk about the Dark Night of The Soul?
Well I felt like I was living it every single day, without a break, for multiple years.
Working with emotions became an option for me through good pointing from good teachers and friends such as Angelo Dilullo and 1:1 coaching calls with trusted & realized facilitators such as Violet Synergy and Michael Zaurov.
For such a long time, my mind avoided engaging emotion and finding some resolve in the story of Sam. The spiritual identity struggled to let go of its familiar meditative routine and transition into an acknowledgement that yes - this body indeed holds trauma. And YES, it is okay to address it.
This wasn't easy though, and my spiritual identity didn't go down without a fight.
Very convincing phrases and things I'd heard from amassing mountains of spiritual knowledge in my earlier years of practice regularly conflicted with my deepest hearts yearning to heal.
"As it is, not as you'd like it to be!"
"Don't try to use the mind to solve the problem of mind!"
"Shadow work will not be your salvation!"
I had to learn the hard way that I had developed a relationship with trusting teachers over my own direct experience.
When the mind was in the thick of suffering, helpless and confused and looking for relief - the onslaught of those doubtful thoughts felt like a mountain to climb.
And yet, some part of me eventually found it within itself to gradually start engaging the story of Sam.
I began working with somatic practices and tools such as ‘Focusing’ by Eugene Gendlin and The Kiloby Inquiries by Scott Kiloby to process long held, frozen emotions and triggers that seemed to be my constant companions.
Huge release occured from these sorts of modalities as I ruthlessly brought them into daily life under close counsel from trusted facilitators.
Combining them with bodily practices such as Qi-Gong and Trauma Release Exercise (TRE), my nervous system slowly began to regulate itself as I addressed life-long trauma response patterns.
I thought to myself: This is what I actually wanted to do when I first started meditating. Not to know living truth, but to know safety within the body.
Giving my body more tender care with these sorts of modalities really shifted things for me - as previously, I was so fixated on ardently applying bare-awareness practices such as Vipassana and self inquiry without engaging the story.
Finally welcoming in the story of Sam through the lens of somatic self inquiry, ironically, actually brought me out of mind identification and into the presence of experience for much richer and deeper inquiry into the nature of self and identity.
Letting it all go
Where’s a good place for the ego to hide? In spiritual concepts, of course.
As much as I read about no-self, it wasn’t my true experience. As much as I was ‘healing the broken self’, I began to realize I could never fully heal - even though my mind was holding out for it.
Unconsciously, of course.
Even though I'd heard it 100 times that I couldn't heal the broken self, god damnit, I was going to do it!!
However, these views became my new religion, new frameworks about reality that I believed would happen ‘one day’.
One day, if I just did enough somatic self inquiry - I would feel okay.
One day, if I just de-identified from thought enough, something radical would happen.
One day, if I just integrated enough emotion, I would finally get the love, validation and acceptance I was both consciously (and unconsciously) yearning for.
Yet, I was still using the same apparatus of seeking mind that led me to suffer in the first place, although it was nice and flowery with plenty of complex, juicy spiritual concepts to sink its teeth into.
The perfect setup for seeking.
The subtlety of this is hard to summarise and it continues to unravel, but long held beliefs, trauma and conditioning continues to arise (albiet, generally with a softer and more impersonal grip to them from doing intensive shadow work), and yet - it is met now with unconditional love.
All of those patterns that I thought I had to eradicate from the nervous system, to transcend - to go beyond (even resistance! - the part of me that says ‘I don’t want to feel this’) is allowed.
Everything is okay, just as it is.
It’s just this, just here, right now.
It's really impossible to say what led to a shift here for me, as everything is so dynamic. And yet, something has certainly shifted.
Previous emotions that I thought I couldn't be with are allowed.
Those constricting and avoidant emotions that would surface amidst social anxiety? They can be accepted.
The emotions of 'crippling' self doubt and feeling like a fraud? They can be accepted.
The emotions and beliefs that used to convince me I would never wake up to my true nature? They can be accepted.
The emotions and beliefs that desperately want things to be different to find some god damn ease? Even that can be accepted.
When there is contraction in situations that otherwise would have throw my mind into a chaotic soup of scrambling for spiritual techniques - there is now dramatically more ease. Mind you - those situations can still occur, and yet they somehow feel more impersonal than before and are totally accepted as innocent, impersonal happenings.
It's worth mentioning that sometimes they feel very personal, but even that is just another wave in the ocean of consciousness that will pass.
Experience feels off the map, here, now, and very reductive to the most simple of simple.
I used to over-complicate so much, and sometimes - I still do.
But ‘my’ path continues to lead me back, again and again, to the simplicity of a newborn.
Paraphrasing Jesus: ‘To enter the kingdom of heaven, be like little children’
When there’s contraction, the only thing in the whole universe is that discomfort. And it’s met with love and tenderness that it never received growing up.
And on the contrary, learning to discover joy and letting go of ‘the spiritual sufferer who’s walking through the trenches to find enlightenment’ is also allowed.
To create any duality (and even to try to not create a duality) seems to breed more suffering and seeking.
Whatever is happening, whether it appears to manifest as dualistic or nondualistic - is simply just fine.
The Now
So, the path continues. Everyone and everything is my teacher.
I still listen to videos, attend retreats, and practice ardently - but life is becoming more beautiful and simple in this utter immediacy of now. Now. NOW!
Beyond the narrative. Beyond the seeking. Beyond the trying to stop the seeking.
I am eternally grateful for every speck of suffering that ever entered this eternal happening for brute forcing me into the immediacy of investigating my true nature.
Fierce grace, as Adyashanti puts it.
I am grateful to my guides and teachers along this path - to whom I could not do without and still lean on from time to time.
And yet, they have always been me.
Learning to trust life, trust myself, trust the rawness of experience that’s right in front of my face used to feel intangible.
It is now tangible.
Sometimes, I forget this basic fact. But then I remember, and it’s just fine.
The apparent delusion is just another wave in consciousness that no longer feels as immensely personal and painful as it once did.
A Personal Reminder To You!
You really can unravel. No matter how hopeless it seems. No matter how much despair and hopelessness you feel. No matter how alone you are.
The most valuable jewel in the entire world is sitting just within your reach waiting to be discovered.
In fact, it’s not within your reach. It’s already here!
I bet you've heard that one before, haven't you?
But it fucking is.
My friend, I hope I can help you in some small way in trusting yourself and discovering this for yourself.
Just like I have.
Much love, thank you for your attention and reading my story.
Resonate with my Story?
I can help. I am now opening up (with limited availability) 1:1 sessions to help accommodate trauma integration and deepening in insight with my unique Somatic inquiry approach. If you feel that yearning, book a free call right now to see if we're a good fit.
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